The Outsider

Hi all.  This is my first time on a forum (ever) so please forgive any beginner faux pas.  My wife and I have been married for 21 years this November.  About 10 years ago she hurt her back while working out.  Fast forward to the present...  She has had 2 discectomies and a fusion in her lumbar region, a pinched nerve in her cervical region with pain radiating down her shoulders and arms (another fusion possibly?), problems with her knees, problems with her feet and hands, carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists, debilitating migraines, and the depression that goes along with suffering all of these pains on a daily basis.  I have absolutely failed her as a husband.  I've been angry with the situation, the upheaval, the life changes, and I've taken it out on her.  My expectations of her were too high and when they were not met I never held in my disappointment and frustration.  It will come as no surprise to anyone reading this that 2 weeks ago I found out that not only has she been having an affair for the past 2 years, and worse than that, she no longer loves me.  My feelings for her have never changed.  She is the love of my life and I am fighting desperately to right my wrongs and repair our marriage.  There is no guarantee that it is possible, she has told me that first she has to decide if she even wants to fix it.  She has agreed to go to counseling with me though so I am taking what I can get.  I just know that part of the work I have to do (if not the majority) is to learn to cope with her chronic pain.  I have to believe that I am not the only spouse to ever have this type of response and screw things up this badly.  Anyone have any ideas on where to start?



  • Joel1QJJoel1Q Posts: 364
    edited 08/15/2018 - 11:13 PM

    Ron gives good advice Jason. Having been faced with a similar situation in my past, having a place where you can both safely speak your minds in a constructive fashion helped me a lot.  I also found that seeking counseling separately AND together was critical in development of ourselves as individuals and as a couple in a post infidelity relationship.  Those are very tough times to get through, but you did get married, and that means you love each other (normally, unless shotguns were involved at the start) - start from there and re build up your trust very slowly one step at a time. God bless!

  • @losingher, I am speaking from the woman’s side in chronic pain 18 years. You sound like a caring bloke. I really hope you can work things out. Just ask her , how are you?  Do you need anything? Want a back rub. Just a nice hot coffee offered when your hurting bad can help. Run her a bath ( that is if she is lucky enough to get in on lol ) oh if my hubby would ask, it’s the small things that matter , to me anyways. Harpy

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