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Fears...they are snowballing tonight

im trying to stop crying as I type this. I’ve been off work and spent most of the last two months alone. I think that has finally caused me to crack. I’ve been doing really well and have been positive for the most part. This evening I let my fear take control of me. I’m 28 and some of my doctors tell me to avoid getting a fusion and others tell me to go ahead and get it done. I’ve had 4 microdiscectomies at 2 levels. I’m ready to stop having redo surgeries and hopefully get relief from a fusion. I’m afraid of new chronic pain afterwards, failed back surgery syndrome, adjacent disc disease, more surgeries. I’m afraid to put it off if it really could have a positive outcome. I could get a spinal cord stimulator and maybe I’d be happy with that. I’m afraid of losing my job down the line if I need surgery. Also afraid I won’t find a person to share my life with because of my back issues. I could keep going with all my fears up until the again of 80 honestly. My mom has a chronic illness and I fear she will die before she ever sees me happy or starting a family. What if I couldn’t be the mother I’d want to be because of my back? 

I know I’m snowballing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will feel differently. I’ve got a counselor and support. I guess tonight I just needed to get the nightmares out of my head before I go to bed. 

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Comments

  • I try not to allow external things to determine my happiness or lack thereof. IMO too much pressure is placed on people to have their source of happiness be dependent on other people or situations we can’t control. I look at all things as being temporal and that’s what helps me.

  • Jerome001Jerome001 Cocoa Beach, FloridaPosts: 261

    The unknowns can easily be overwhelming. There are quite a few people on this forum that are around your age. Some have had fusion surgery and others have not. I trust you can find those people and their experiences here - I'm not a search expert but I imagine our moderators can show you the way. Whatever you decide and whatever happens, as others noted, you have like minded compassionate people on this forum and we will support you however we can. Wishing you the best, Jerome

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  • Spiney

    So how is today?

  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 3,489

    I too was wondering how you have been the last couple of days.

  • SpineyKD23SSpineyKD23 IllinoisPosts: 12

    William and Sandra,

    Thank you for checking in on me. I’ve had more good days recently than bad. Some extended Family are here from far away so that has been enjoyable. I still find myself getting frustrated when I can’t participate in some of the activities with them, but I try to remember that my current condition is temporary. I feel more level headed, but still nervous about making the decision whether surgery can be postponed or not.

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  • Good to hear from you and that there were good days you embraced! Keep on the good track and god luck on your decision!

  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 3,489

    Thank you for the update that at least you have had good days. Stay positive and listen to your body about surgery. It will tell you

    Take care and keep us posted.

  • Spiney 

    Its perfectly ok and normal to have fear and doubts about treatments and outcomes. Arming yourself with as much facts andknowledge can help against catastrophising(which i do) talking about it helps and gets your internalised fears out in the open and in the light where they can be examined more in depth.

    Hang in there!

  • SpineyKD23SSpineyKD23 IllinoisPosts: 12

    Hi Ron, 

    My surgeon wants me to lose 73 pounds before he will operate. I met with him mid April. Since then I’ve lost 28 pounds. I hope I continue to lose at this rate. 

    I think you’re right about things being emotionally harder this time. I think that’s because it’s not just a microdiscectomy, it’s a much more invasive surgery. Before I knew what was coming, but this is intimidating. Also, I work for a company that is fantastic and I don’t want to lose my job because of my health (not saying I would but they could let me go when my FMLA runs out). There’s much more on the line in terms of my job this time. I’m also concerned about the recovery process. 

    I do see a counselor once a week and have a nurse and dietician from my weight loss clinic to rely on. My my mom and brother live close too. I appreciate the advice and friendship from the forums too! 

  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 3,489

    SpineyKD23

    Congrats on the weight loss!! It might be a good idea to check with HR where you work and see how much time you can take off. That would give you a little more peace.
    With recovery, as long as you follow your surgeon's advice, no bending, twisting, lifting or pushing, you should do five.
    Don't let the surgery intimidate you, stay positive. Like William said, arm yourself with knowledge about your surgery. That way you will have the right questions for your surgeon.

    Take care and keep us posted.

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