Like a smelly onion

The more you peel it back the more it stinks.

I'm not coping well.

Inside, I'm boiling. With pain...neuropathic disturbances I would challenge a taser against it makes me weak in the knees.

My GP is expecting her 2nd kid.  She's leaving. She doesn't care if I cry when I have seen her.  I had only what I'll call a nervous breakdown in October when I wasn't sleeping.  I cried every day. (This is now, sadly, how I measure life quality). But above that my gait was wonky. She called it a flare. I went to emerge three times,  2 neurologists, 2 EMGs and 2 MRIs then a 4 day wait in emerge for the surgery. It was another level of my spine I know what a flare is. I had such little sleep or support.

Sleep is key.   I get more now.  Zopiclone. 7.5mg.  

The pain is less than before surgery.  My husband asked and I said it was better.  People don't want to talk about it.  It makes me more comfortable not saying,  but it drives a wedge because I'm not my honest self.  I'm in actual agony.  If I didn't have children I'd die kind of pain. Just one level below writhing.  Since the surgery let's say it's been easier for him to sleep in the yard for all I care it's awful.   Before surgery he and I fought constantly.   He pushed me about disability.   He said I was nuts and may hurt the children...dont hurt the children....  I'm lucky I could stand.

I'd just spent the doctor's visit with him.  Me writhing in sobbing hysteria.  Those 2 looking at me like I'm a sideshow to the carnival.  I do know I am losing my mind so I need someone to help.  

I was a full time working mother of 2 who'd come home and garden on evenings and weekends.  I love the gym and the outdoors.  I used to love my husband too.  I can't remember when I loved him. I can't remember a day without pain.  It's like I'm disconnected from life by pain.

To be honest, avoidance is my go to right now. I need a big smack of therapy but even typing this it's hard to find real courage in finding my true self.  I'm simply not believed or I'm judged.  I think those 2 things are the same....I don't have the strength to fight people who can't see me.  

I only see my kids.  I know they need a warrior. They know.   They see it all.  They have compassion. I don't think my husband was allowed to have feelings, especially negative ones.  Idk.  I'm just bone weary.  What do I know I just have a broken back and limp.  I spend alot of.time on that and not with him. We didn't have much to go on before my injury.Raising kids and working full time sucked the fun out of life for me.  I've been permanently exhausted since 2006.  I consider every day I'm breathing to be a gift but a tired one.



  • Quit being so self centered

    Quit feeling sorry for yourself

    Quit whining


    What do people expect of us?.were broken,some wont be fixed

    Some of us cant get the peices to fit together again  no matter how hard and long we try.

    We can no longer be who we were..and we live knowing this and have to deal with this 24-7...but the demands are still there from others

    Most look away as we are a reminder of what life can do

    Others are simply non empathetic,we are worth-less in their eyes because we dont contribute to their ends anymore

    Others burn out and back away because the"cant handle"

    We cry too much

    We should not be in this much pain...yet they font see its more than physical pain thats eating away at us

    The mental and emotional pain ride along as unwelcome passengers of the physical

    We cry because it hurts and no one has an answer

    We cry because no one has an anwer and we have to face that every day

    Grotesque lines of pain mar out faces,our minds and our souls and they turn away because we are an ugly truth

    So we carry our selves,these bags of skin and broken bones,sinew and flesh and make our way in hell

    And we stand defiant while scared and angry and sad

    We find our own strength in solitude where no one can see the struggle it takes to get there

    We carry on day after day because it is not habit nor law

    We carry on from one tiny victory to the next

    Sometimes its just getting another breath

    And we find our courage in the dark places where courage counts the most

    Courage in the light is easy

    Courage in fear and pain is the hard one

    Fabricating courage from nothing is the hardest of all

    Because there is nothing to build it from,so we drag it from our flesh and bone 

    We plant it deep and water it with tears and it blooms in adversity,bears the fruit of toil and sustains us with bitter resolve 

    But we survive.

    Hang in there Spiney 

    On breath

    One day at a time 

  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 3,403
    edited 07/31/2019 - 12:29 PM


    I'm so glad you wrote what you did, maybe it helped, like you said, just to type it. But I also understand what you are going through. And being here, you will not be judged and will be believed.

    Pain is ugly, brings the worst out of anyone at times. David put it in a good way, sometimes we isolate ourselves. When asked how I feel, I say fine, when I'm not. Then I get upset because no ones knows or understands. Have you ever read the "Christine's Spoon theory"? The link is below. I have done this to so many people to try and make them understand.

    I am one of the lucky ones that has a husband that is supportive and understanding. He also knows when it is time to go see my psychologist. My back is trash, scoliosis is taking over, I can't do the things I love to do and miss. Like working in my yard and going places and making quilts. But I try to make the best of what I can do. 

    Read William's poems, all of them. They are all very thought provoking and always come when you need them. At least for me it does.
    Take care.

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  • Spiney, you certainly struck a nerve with me, no pun intended. I'm going through a dark time too. The worst for me is that I have times where I have hope and am able to function, at least do a few things, but then the bottom falls out and I lose hope again. I swear once again that I won't grab unto the easier times but I do. It just makes the crashes worse but it's human nature I guess. For me it can change from day to day, nerve pain is so unpredictable and mean. So like William said, I try to carry on from one tiny victory to the next in the dark times. 

    I do have support and a few people who understand (and a lot on this forum !) but sometimes I foolishly push them away for awhile. It seems that I need to travel alone for a time but I always come back, I have to. I lift up my head and see how much I have to be thankful for and slowly open myself up again. I have to or something inside me dies. I don't want to be closed off and bitter but pain will do that to me if I let it. So I won't! I've had to force myself to go to my counselor lately but I'm always glad I did. I'll be praying for you, for some light and hope to seep into the darkness. Don't give up, there are so many here that will support and encourage you if you let us. I'm talking to myself here too and just trying to encourage you has encouraged me! It works that way. Please keep writing, it's therapy. Shalom 

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