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Don't know whether to cry, scream or give up!!

snookiessnookie Posts: 348
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Matters of the Heart
First off, thanks for listening to me vent.

Last Thursday the school called, my youngest son had lice (OMG). So we go to the pharamcy, come home, bag every piece of fabric in the house, and start treating everyone. I bleached and cleaned everything in the house (and I mean everything) twice, treated us over the weekend again (Happy Thanksgiving to me. Went to school yesterday, the oldest has it. Couldn't face doing it again, shaved his head.

I am in sooo much pain after that, still not done all the laundry (too much bending). I was inn tears driving after work today.

At work, the comission I was promised 4 months ao isn't going to happen, sick of the carrot, am now looking for a new job.

Get to the sitters, the flu and hand foot and mouth disease is going thru the house.

I can't win. Trying to do everything alone (my boys are a big help but they are young) is so hard. I hurt so bad, the painkillers aren't touching it.

I just want to curl up in a ball, and and have life just go away. I've read so many people on this board say that life only gives you what you can take, but I don't know. I'm at the end of my rope.


  • Hey,

    I'm here and you can lean on me if you need to. I know it sounds dorky coming from a Internet forum, but I mean it. I have strength today and I will gladly share some of it with you to help you through the day until you can regain yours.

    I also know that for me, sometimes I have to curl up in that ball. When the kids are asleep and you can, maybe give it a shot. Curl up in the bedroom and give yourself a good cry and then get some sleep. Maybe it will help.

  • You got two boys???
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  • c- thanks. Crying my eyes out now. Going to look like crap tomorrow at work.

    agriman, yes two boys, 9 and 11. Don't know what I'd do without them. I probably wouldn't get out of bed. They are the best boys anyone could ask for. Since I got hurt they have done everything they can for me. Even though I want to give up, I can't. They only have me.
  • that you are going through all of this. You know how the saying goes, when things are as bad as they can get take heart in the fact that the only way to go from the bottom is up. Do you have any relatives or close friends that may be able to help you some when it comes to bleaching the whole house and things of that nature? For what it is worth, please do know that we are all here to support you when you need it. Don't hesitate to post if you need to talk or vent. I hope that things start looking up soon for you.
  • can call me "Ben".......
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  • And the good news is, you can choose one or all of them.

    You can shout your anger to the heavens. You can rant and rave and pour forth all of the pain that you have been carrying around for so long. About all of the times that you have been pushed to the very edge only to be dragged back into yourself.

    You can cry until your tears have run dry about all of the misfortune you've had, about all of the pain you've endured, about all of the anguish and sorrow that you have born from your body.

    You can give up. Give up everything that is beyond your control, out of your reach, and outside of your field of vision. You can give up yesterday, and tomorrow.

    I have no doubt that any of these options will make you feel better. You can do any and all of these things and be no less worthy of love and peace than you are now. I speak to and honor the part of you that is whole.

    One Love,


  • Thanks so much to everyone. As soon as I pressed submit I felt better. Thank you for being here and for being supportive. So many 'normals' have really made me feel inadaquete the past couple days, like I am making a mountaian out of a mole hill.

    Ben special thanks, your pm's meant the world to me.
  • I feel your pain snookie. I'm a disabled veteran and have been battling the Veterans Administration system since 1998 trying to get rated for my back problems, pain and other issues. I'm currently 70% disabled according to the VA but have claims pending for PTSD, depression among other things that will hopefully put me at the 100% mark. I've been married twice and divorced twice. I have two children from my first marriage and two from my second marriage. My oldest son is 13, my oldest daughter is 10, my youngest daughter is 7 and my youngest son is 6. I've been out of work for over two years now and have been subjected to constant belittlement and ridicule from both of my ex's who don't understand what I am going through. What's really bad is my second ex is a Registered Nurse and should know how bad I feel / hurt due to my problems. I did everything in my power to make my second marriage work but eventually she got fed up with my injuries, etc. I did my best. When I first found out about my back injuries and had my first herniated disk operated on I had to care for my newborn son while she was at work and my daughter who is 9 months older than my son. The day after I had my diskectomy I was forced to pick my son up from the crib, feed him, change him, etc. while she was at work as well as taking care of my daughter. I've tried to be a good father to my children but I can't provide for them like I should due to the small amount of money I curently get from the Veterans Administration, it's barely enough to live month to month and I have to split expenses with my brother who's disabled also to just be able to survive. I felt really bad the other day when I called to talk to my two oldest children who I haven't seen in a couple of months due to my money situation and not having transporation, etc. When I called my ex got on the telephone and basically called me a sorry piece of %%it for not working and doing for my children. She then began to tell me how she gets up and works every day even though she is suffering from Chrohn's disease and just had her large intestine taken out and is back to work. I feel totally worthless and am really depressed especially after this incident. It hurts to know that I cannot support my children like I should. I feel like a failure even though I know that my injuries / pain is out of my control. I can only hope and pray that I finally receive 100% disability from the Veterans Administration and that my upcoming Social Security Disability hearing goes well. Until then I have to battle depression daily due to my situation and pain. It's really hard with the upcoming holidays, i.e. Christmas and the fact that I know I'm not going to be able to do much if anything for my children. I know material things aren't everything but children will be children and look forward to getting something for Christmas. I guess I'm through venting. It helps a little to read the forums here and know that there are other people out there who understand how the pain effects me and my life. I hope eventually I can get some quality of life through pain management, etc. I wish you the best and will pray for everyone who's battling these issues just as I am.
  • Snookie,
    Go outside and do the first two, that noise in the distance is us all doing the same, can you hear me, I can hear YOU, we have and continue to be in that state even though we may look calm inside we are all crying and screaming.

    Do not equate you life with that of normal people, they are not you they do not live your life or pain and anyone would find it difficult doing every day what you are doing and have to deal with.

    Look to your peers for solace we know how you feel we have done the crying and screaming till it was no more, I have accepted nothing and will use my determination to continue as we all must.

    Crying is good it shows that you will not accept what is happening to you and move you toward a positive plan for the future, never be too humble not to cry, at least it is out, the danger is to internalise these emotions and be come depressed as a consequent, so have a good cry and scream as loud as you can, we understand.

    Has it stopped yet, good dry those eyes and think of the future and move on from here, these episodes and just pit stops in the journey of pain, they refresh our goals and should focus us.

    Hug those boys they need you, for better or worse, a real mum.

    Global crying it could catch on, good luck and keep posting.

    John >:D<
  • Don't know what I'd do without this site. Late last night my youngest son came down with the flu. Up and down with him all night, home with him today. Thanks for giving me the strength i need and a place to vent.
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