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Grunting, groaning, crying, sniffling, noises of pain, owwwing, husband is getting tired of it.



  • Bunny,
    For a person in chronic pain you seem to be doing plenty, and perhaps the suggestion from HBmom, of trying to keep your activity to a level that would not increase the pain, which we know is never easy, may prove beneficial. It is perhaps impossible not to express how we feel when we hurt and right that this expression is a natural indication of our need for nurture or support. We are not robots, the distinction is where that level is set and how influential our usage is.

    Failure would be in not trying, and better to have tried, doing so in pain all the time takes some resilience and fortitude to sustain that continual effort, although it may seem that our subliminal intention is in sending a message to others, we may be validating that very pain to ourselves.

    Does it matter that we are using pain behaviour.

    A pain behaviourist would say that these disclosures are the inertia for words and actions higher up the hierarchy of restriction, I am all for the occasional methods of reducing the pain by any means and only we can decide individually how per-emptive or influential they are.

    Take care.. John

  • Hi John, thanks for your reply. I know HappyHBMom thinks I am doing too much cause I mentioned about how mom and I go shopping all day. Well, LOL, I must explain really quick--we only do it once a month, unless something comes up.

    See, I have no family left, just mom and my husband. And I was born legally blind, so I've never been able to drive. Mom is 61 and has DDD and Spondylosis and all kinds of we both see the same Neurologist (our pain mgmt dr.) and the same family doctor. Since we are both disabled, we both receive disability checks once a month. SO, when we get paid, she picks me up and we schedule it so we get all of our dr's appts on the same day, the same time, you see? And we also do our monthly grocery shopping and whatever else we need to get done that one day. That is our shopping day. Since I can't see well, I need mom's help to shop sometimes also. My husband works but he does take me on the weekends for those in-between trips for milk, etc., and sometimes if mom is too sick to take us, he'll take the day off and drive us around for our appts and stuff.

    So you see, Mom and I only shop like once a month, and we are required to see our pain mgmt dr. every month to get our pain pills, but our family doc only every 3 months. Some trips for us are all-dayers and it is a lot of work to get our shopping done. And each lunch, Go to the bank. Get pet supplies. Pay bills... We both hurt terribly after lunchtime, and bless her heart, my mom hurts very bad too. She's on lortabs AND the 100 mg Fentanyl patch every TWO days! So this is very difficult for us, you guys. And being now that I am 41 and mom is 61, how do you think it makes me feel to have my elderly mother driving ME around, when *I* should be driving her? It breaks my heart. It makes me so sad and feel so helpless and useless.

    So believe me, you guys, I don't really do a lot. Also because I am visually impaired. We live way out in the countryside, not even a store to walk to. I never had a chance to make any friends after we moved here, so it's just me, mom, and my husband and his family.

    Just now, my husband's father had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. He's 91 and was having trouble breathing. I was waiting outside, as they brought him out on the stretcher, and even the paramedic asked ME if *I* was okay---he could tell by the way I was standing and the ugly faces I was making I guess, that something was wrong. He asked me if I was ok---I told him, LOLing at him, YES---back trouble!!! And he smiled and said ok, take care of yourself.

    SO SIGH::::::::::: even the paramedic noticed something is wrong with me. BTW, my father in law lives next door-- he lives alone since his wife died a couple of years ago. But we are right here, and his daughter lives on the other side of him, so we are way out in the country you see, but my only 3 neighbors are my FIL, my SIL, and my BIL. Best neighbors in the world! I hope my FIL will be okay........but we all can't live forever, right? And he IS 91. But let me tell you, he walks better than me, bless his heart!!!! Thanks again, for listening to my story.
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  • I guess I'm not telling you to do less. Or, rather, to just sit around and be sad. I'm telling you that certain things, as necessary as they seem, are not going to be doable without severe pain- like a full day of shopping and doctor's appointments. Part of managing your pain is going to be figuring out how to live your life so that you can do what needs to be done with the least amount of stress on your back.

    On the other hand, walking, chatting with friends, etc. are good for your body and soul- you should do MORE of those things.

    This is the life you have, waiting around for a medical breakthrough could mean just missing out on having a good one.
  • You are so right, HappyHBMom. So right. I AM missing out.

    Unfortunately, I can't drive, so I'm really stuck here. I just called mom and asked her if she'd like to come over for hotdogs, but she asked for a 'rain-check.'

    I wish I could drive..... I'd just have fun walking around in the mall, looking, or having an iced coffee at the little coffee cafe in the mall, or a lunch buffet, even alone. These are the things I think some people take for granted--- life is so much more difficult when you are visually impaired. I'm really in a bind some days it feels like.
  • :( Is there any way you guys could move to a less isolated location? Somewhere that you could get around with public transit?

    You sound very sad. I can see why you try to pack so much in when you finally get out and about.

    I don't suppose there's any sort of transport that goes out there?
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  • Moving is not an option, unfortunately.

    And no, there is no transport, as we live in a very small and pretty poor county. I'm stuck.

    Also, there are TONS of churchs all around, but I'm a Buddhist and there are no temples anywhere near here. Not for hours away.

    I guess I am really sad. The Celexa is helping me cope, but my unhappiness with what my life has become is pretty apparent I'm afraid. I try to find happiness in every little thing, Buddhism dictates it, but as far as independence, I have none.

  • KNP950KKNP950 Chespeake VA 23322Posts: 1

    I'm reading this thread because the title really hit home for me. God bless you all if you are able to function or even get around the house without moans, grunts or expressions of pain. I can't. It has become an issue between my wife and I. She had no mother from the age of 7, Dad worked and when he was home he wasn't the nuturing type. Therefore while she truly cares and loves me she isn't the stereotype nurturing wife. Besides the spine I have a list of conditions and pain ailments. They include fibro, both forms of arthritis, lupus, ulcerative colitis, failed surgeries have left matters wrose.  For example a simple foot surgery 7 yrs ago left it worse. I now need to tape toes daily. I had cervical fusion. I knew movement would be limited but the surgery left my neck crunching with turns and daily migraine. Finally I've had 4 shoulder surgeries, 2 this yr, 2017, that Dr admits (doesn't have to tell me) weren't sucessful. He says I'll need shoulder replacement. But by far the worst is my lower back and spine. I'm 53 and was perfectly healthy until things starting showing in my 40's. 2 weeks ago I had surgery for the degenerative disc, herniated discs and spinal stenosis. The neurosurgeon performed 2 surgeries, the fusion  which he showed me at my 1st postop follow up today. It covered a large area. Had no idea till today how much entailed in the fusion, 8 screws, 4 rods, an extender rod, 2 spacers. He also completed a laminectomy the same day. There he removed the bones at S1, L5, L4 & L3. I don't need to tell anyone on this site the pain from the surgery but thank God apparently I'm doing well. I was up walking next day and I never used a walker. However the pain is bad. Through these pain conditions I've become a moaner. Reading the comments I never stopped to think I had control over the moans but I guess I do, at least more than I thought. It drives my wife crazy to the point where she will make comments that anyone else would think are horribly insensitive. I know her background and take it in account but honestly at times the comments do hurt anyway. She will do anything to assist me now but the comments nullify her efforts. I always did most everything around the house even after being forced to disability in 2011. I find it near impossible even in pain to sit and watch her or my adult children do for me. I will never get used to or accept that. I guess both my wife and I have never accepted my conditions and handled them properly. I know neither of ys will be able to change 100% but hopefully we can learn to somehow meet in the middle. Thank you for this

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