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In need of attention

pepeguapoppepeguapo Posts: 57
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:46 AM in New Member Introductions
I am a man, 26 years of age. Eyes blue sometimes green, picture aroura borealis. I was once a near-purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I also used to train Muay Thai. Had to stop with the hands cause of muscle spasms in upper back and shoulders about 3 years ago, but kept on traning hard with jiu jitsu. I even went to an academy in Manaus, Brazil disguised as an English teacher, and lived with a black belt for like 300 reais a month. I drank acai daily, the real stuff(we're talking yoghurt viscosity), for the anti-inflammatory effects for my aching shoulder. Nao ajuda nada. I slept on a concrete triangle to toughen my resolve. I lost my competitiveness cause of the pain and became a deadly fierce jiu jitsu commentator. Year later lost my job at the foods store wharehouse (thank you Humboldt spanish major.) Been living in pain at home with the folks for the past 2 years, they're cool. They let me keep my bong out back. I guess I try to be funny cause it feels good to ridicule my whole situation. I have so much freakin motivation and nothing to do with it except slow down. I didn't sleep 2, sometimes 3 nights a week until I started a magical medication. I was going crazy (maybe I got there?) before my surgery. Now I'm doing better. Recovering from a minimally invasive T8, C3, C5 something or other bout 7 weeks ago and getting stronger. Pain is better but still present and debilitating.

I am adapting the best I can but know that I am dependant on something I have no control over for me to attain happiness (work, wife, kids, golden shotgun.) I am spending way too much time on the computer, but hey, I am alone most of the time and need to vent at something. I have friends but they don't visit, and are not doing anything healthy and productive that I would like to endorse. I am not this mean at home or with my friends. I think I am a little mad at everything and am lashing out. Guess it seemed harmless over the internet. I feel isolated and alone, and I don't do any daily affirmations. I realistically portray myself losing a job at a movie store and selling lemonade fifteen minutes at a time on a chair, 17 minutes lying down with several pillows (thanks for nuthing Felden krais.) 8 months PT, still doing it, yeeha Arm bike! Keep it above 1200 ergowhatevers!!! Muscle spasms, 5/10 pain, too much tv = I am going crazy. Luvin heartburn, sleeping pill hangovers, nauseua, fear of all government operations. Sorry for being a drive by ranter, I am very frustrated and I read once that humour is the best tool for surviving torture and interrogation (demagogues can't laugh at themselves.) I'll try and relax, thanks for reading.

Lot's of Pepe's in my family most of them old, distinguished myself in a crowd by saying I'm the good looking one.


  • Its obvious your going thru alot at the moment so take a big deep breath and try to see things a little clearer.
  • dilauroddilauro ConnecticutPosts: 12,282
    you need to talk to a counselor. Physical pain is one thing, but the emotions you are describing here need to be addressed by a professional.

    That might help in the overall scope of your situation.
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  • This is frist time I agree with dilauro Do please get help you need.

  • you are feeling so alone. I think I can understand a little about the way you feel as I have a son who is a bit older than you but spends most of his time without adult company.

    He suffers from depression and sees a doctor for it and of course is on medication also. I think most people with spine problems do suffer from depression at one time or another. You might check it out and see if it can help you too.

    Keep writing. People are listening. Gentle hugs to you.

  • Ron's suggestion might be something you strongly consider. Most all of us that live with chronic pain go through 'bummer, depression (loss of things), sadness' modes - it's part of the whole picture. If we stay in that funk mode, then it is no longer controlled by us, and a professional might be needed to get your perspective back. I wouldn't delay on getting help Pepe. Please let us know how it goes.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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  • I see my counselor today, been seeing him for the last 6 months, it definitely helps. Had major depression and dysthemia most of my life, two suicide attempts in college, one blackedout drunk freshman year and the other sober the day my senior project was due. Feel better about myself now but still angry and depressed about my situation. Still, it doesn't compare to how I felt when I was suicidal. Hated myself and felt guilty and ashamed. My physical pain isn't as bad as the emotional pain I was going through. Nowadays I like who I am and feel safe and secure. Another morning waknig up in pain, sore, bad taste from the drymouth. Note from the parents saying have a good day. Easier said than done. Feel horrible, but them norcos'll kick in soon enough. Then I will feel decent but still rusty. I live for my espresso machine! Maybe I would feel better about things if I had already accomplished what I have been working so hard to attain. A career, money isn't as important as meaning, that makes me feel good about what I'm doing with my life. A relationship with someone trustworthy to share my sorrows and joys with. A community that I want to be a part of and am contributing to. And a sense of self worth that comes not from me alone but on a social level too (we all need our own good intentions reflected back to us, approval.) Man I have watched every movie that's even halfway entertaining. I'm on Japanese samurai movies for now, yeah Yojimbo!
  • I also feel Pepe is very intelligent and after reading some of his posts... he has a really good heart. :)

    Quite accomplished in martial arts, too. That demonstrates a lot of physical strength, discipline and endurance.

    I am glad to hear you have a counselor. I have been seeing my counselor and psychiatrist for quite a few years. I have never felt a sense of weakness by seeking out counseling, as I sometimes need the help of these professionals to help me through some challenging times in my life. I have gained strength through counseling.

    You have a silly sense of humor and humor is a good thing. I laugh at myself all the time, as I have a terrible time with short-term memory loss. I will be engaged in a conversation with someone and all of the sudden I can't remember what on earth we were talking about. (This is a side-effect from a couple of my medications. I don't stress about it... I just go with it).

    You have joined our community and I think you will really like it here.

    Do you remember what kind of surgery you had? I noticed you mentioned your T8 area and would be interested in knowing what procedure(s) you had done.

    Best wishes to you,

  • As I reread this thread something jumped out at me. Many of us spend a great deal of time alone. And we also spend lots of hours on the internet and watching TV.

    My warning for everyone is to be careful about what you watch and read. It is so easy to get wrapped up in a movie about say Hawaii. We want to go there or we get depressed because we don't live there. Either way it effects how we view out lives. And now with all this reality TV it's easy to think "I wish my life was like that"

    I find it is very important to get out of the house each day and talk to others. A trip to the library or a store. Don't need to spend money but I need to interact with others. I like to go to larger stores like Walmart or Kohls and walk around. Usually at some point I will have the opportunity to talk to another shopper or a sales person. So the next time someone in a store offers a comment about a product it might be me :)
  • Umm, it was a discogram and microdecompressive discectomy, mild sedation for thoracic, went through the back, put me all the way out for my neck, went through the front, no fusion, band aid and one stitch, looks like I cut myself shaving. 1Ml of disc removed at C5 and T8 doesn't say for C3.
  • How about that! Thank you for sharing.

    I just cringe when I think of having another posterior procedure done in my thoracic area. It seriously gets the goose bumps going all over the place with me.

    I hope your surgeries provide you great relief once you have healed.

    I wish you a very good counseling session today, Pepe.

    Take good care,

    Tammy :)
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