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  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,241
    ...I would love nothing more. I loved my work and loved to work. Once my body started getting more painful and unpredictable... I had to go on Disability. It was that or a Mission.

    In previous posts I know I have said the I saw Disability attorney two days after quitting my job. Saying that was without the background of already working with and through pain. I too was in nursing so once narcotics helped my body I needed to change jobs. So then I went into managing Assisted Living Homes. (I forget what last word is..not homes..but can't recall)
    Not having to do heavy lifting helped me get by tremendously .

    Then I started apparent reason to me. At that time docs thought due to my blood vessel disorder and clotting disorder. My blood vessels (endothelial dysfunction) cause my vessels to stick together (as a clot but not a clot)
    That was diagnosed and reaffirmed by second opinion and third at Mayo Clinic. That was also cause of my ischemia to large intestine. Horrific pain! So I lost that job because of unpredictable falling.

    Meanwhile I also have Fibromusculardysphagia. So now I learn outer lining of blood vessel..not good integrity. Outside..instead of parralle lines say....there is weakened pearl like outside vessel. Anyway that can cut off or impair the circulation also. All my arteries in my gut are effective so at times eating can cause pain I can't stand up for an hour. I roll around bathroom floor as nausea and vomiting is intense.

    Then I started interpreting for the deaf. That had a hopeful begging..even though I still fell regularly but that became the norm for me. But then I would stop moving my hands. I was told I looked trance like. I would have to re orientate myself to situation and try to pick up again. Thank goodness that oftentimes we work with partners and I had one then.

    Then to ER for stroke. My PM doc is also neurologist so what primary missed neurologist said my brain show to be riddled with previous stroke activities. As my spinal issues became more and more painful and I tried to be in control of pain..was so difficult to concentrate.. I wanted to slap people for saying things I thought were a waste of time for me to interpret. ( ofcourse I never acted out or said anything..just little thoughts fluttering through my mind) . And that' when I quit work.

    Progressively, I have become more and more housebound and indeed more bedridden more days than I care for. But I finally came to a place of acceptance with my situation and with myself. I used to feel so useless as to why am I here...parasite on society. But just as I don't understand all the issues my body navigates through daily ...I may not understand why I'm here but I am! My contact with people much less but just as deep as before. And depression relieved to point where I have never felt better in my head in my life. :) ( I still take meds)

    I have also learned to stop finding my worth in my memory for whatever reason is horrible. This is day to day with people "I just told you and then you said.." and I am hearing it as if for the first time. I have had to learn to trust my friends and family because it is very easy to feel paranoid when so many people say same things and I think they kidding me. It is not easy to not trust own mind...own memory...own self.

    For love or money I couldn't and I can't work. No amount of coaxing or shame or putting me in category with those who abuse system will ever make me feel guilty again. And I so grateful for resources so I can take care of myself...because I'm worth it :)
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

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