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Disability Discrimination --within my own family!! :(

Although this is actually a long story, I'll try to shorten it with just most important details. My mom recently celebrated her 90th birthday. My birthday is on the same day as her birthday. My brother decided to arrange and host a surprise birthday party for her. I was never told about this party until after it had taken place. Other family members who were invited also kept it secret from me. My cousin said the reason was probably because the party was held at a house that was definitely not disabled accessible; obviously chosen by him for that very reason. am very hurt and upset that my brother would do this; he knows full well the extent of my disabilities. This was his purpose to exclude me from this family celebration. I've been crying a lot over this obvious snub.


  • Sheri76Sheri76 Michigan Posts: 645
    Sorry to hear about your family situation. It is sad that so many families divide as time goes on, instead of growing closer together from realizing family is really something special, and should be held in high regard. But, most families are dysfunctional to some degree. It seems like when all family members don't realize it takes cooperation from all members to maintain something special as special, people can drift apart. Some people just don't want to change, seemingly can worsen with age....get set in their own ways, don't want to accommodate the differing ways of others.

    If you have someone objective you could talk with, like someone with counseling experience, they can be helpful in giving relational insight. Granted, we cannot change other people, but we can sometimes gain a better perspective on how to handle life's disappointments to keep ourselves healthy.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,268
    edited 09/23/2015 - 8:47 AM
    You mention he may have chosen the venue because it was inaccessible? Have the two of you had problems before?
    Either way, it's near unbelievable he would behave that way, and so publicly, and so many others of family would go along....

    Wonder if to this day, your brother has called to explain, apologize, something....

    And what about your mom? Did your brother not think of her? Her mother's heart must have missed you. You've shared birthdays since the minute she caressed your bald little head.

    You suffered many losses that day. I would cry, also. I would think it another loss needing to be grieved, and going through that process again.
    Hopefully, somehow...someone...may react to him or say something to him that he would have feelings well up in him and he will realize his hurt to you, apologize and your relationship can build up again.

    I had to learn it's okay to cry for my loss, but to guard against letting ..all perceived wrongs to me to flood back and overwhelm me.

    That's why it's good for me to handle situations as they come up, best I can.
    You can have a short accounts of feeling hurt by others, so when you grieve the most recent loss, process moves along ...with pain for shorter time, and you are ready for hope into the future of relationship possibly mending.

    Hopefully, you have enough support people in your life to help shore you up when life hurts, like your cousin who told you, maybe....
    And to have enough relationships in your life to help fill the void, while it lasts.

    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

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  • I've got to tell you....your comment "You've shared birthdays since the minute she caressed your bald little head" was so sweet and funny it was a LOL moment that I surely needed and definitely appreciated....:-)
    Tbh my brother and I have never been very close....I reckon our so-called "relationship" unfortunately would best be described as "tolerant" towards each other. I would like it to be closer but he has never been "approachable" towards me. My friend who is a psychologist suggests that he may have a resentment towards me because my disabilities often necessitated what he felt was extra attention at times and perhaps he never quite got past it. I don't actually agree with this theory because our parents never showed any favoritism/partiality to either of was simply that we both had individual needs during our growing-up years. As I said earlier, I'd really like to be friends with him, but unfortunately it is what it is :( and not gonna change.
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