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Tired and down

This week..weeks actually have been rough
Depression has reared its ugly head and is resisting my defenses.

Tired of being the Adult.
Tired of keeping the peace at my expense.
Tired of people always playing the victime when they have nothing to complain about.
Tired of being merely a riol to be used and discarded at will.

Tried talking, explaining, presenting simple..facts.
And all. I hear is me..me..me.
What i need
What i should be doing for them
What i should be doing.

I Am..
Doing what I can do

I Am
doing the best I can with what I am.

I Am 
Giving a Hundred Percent.

Ime past the stage of saying.. not good enough.

I Am
good enough

Have been
Good enough

If they wont or cant understand?
I wont pity them

I
Will stop understanding them

I will stop making excuses for their ignorance or flat out stupidity.

When ime told..
"No one does anything for me"

Really?

Keeping the peace is killing me slowly.

And the darkness creeps in
Unwanted
Un needed
Taking more than its fair share of my life.

There are good tnings...
The dark always has to have a say

Off to bed
My hands hurt like a cold icy fire
They feel swollen
They hurt on different fingers on different days

They hurt up to my elbows, my shoulders

My neck..which hurts like a knife is slowly cutting a lane into my disc
To my old friend, the headache.

Me and my sorry band of companions
Always different
Always occupying the same space

The tears are never far
But
I have to go and play the good guy again

"You never do anything for me..."

Its because i did all these years... that i cant now.
Show a little respect.

I live as independently as i can
But there are things i cant do
And giving a hoot is soon to be a past atriibute.

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Comments

  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 4,299
    Hi there, William....
    I'm sorry you're going through this bad time.

    The way you write, it's as I can see the tears welling up in your eyes..but restrained as if to not to be any more "bothersome" to  these people in your life.

    Very clearly I can hear how hurtful these people are to you.
    I sure hope the hurt is out of ignorance ....and not selfish superficial people.

    Personally, I think there is more hope for those who are just ignorant, unaware of what they do not experience.
    They may stumble across their own kind-of ..needing an hand...experience that opens their eyes...and as they realize the understanding and kindness and care they received from others, they may reflect back on some of their past behaviors with regret and a want for change in their hearts moving forward.

    Are these people the ones who are "helping you out" during your time of need now?
    To me, that would be even more difficult. I'd hesitate and think awhile before able to ask for anything, ... weighing if it's worth the "lecture" I've learned to expect.
    It like an emotional beat down....in my eyes.
    (Please know, I  don't expect you to answer above....just my way of how I think about it)

    It is sad to be in the company of others and feel they are not appreciating you for who you are.....not there to love you through it.

    You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. I hope both areas ease up allowing you some rest.

    Im so glad you shared!
    Even we members who have been around for years ...we can benefit from reminder that there are those who appreciate us.

    William, please know, I so enjoy seeing you around the SH neighborhood! I smile!
    We share parts of ourselves on the forum...and then pms...starting to feel a friendship....a friendship where we've never even had the privalage to meet in person.

    You have your friends who you can touch and shake hands with...and as most often, I have no words to help with your friends to understand.
    But being able to share in your hard times, well I feel privalaged sharing life with you!

    Please keep to remember that there are those who appreciate you!......just as you are!
    Got your back!.......for keep sharing these tough times,  too!
    pun always intended!  :)
  • The Depression is the causal factor.
    Everything sours as it deepens, the outlook grows dimmer and prospects seem further.

    I hide it all well
    Even my closest confidants see only what i tell them..what i choose them to see..as they have their lives to deal with also.

    Here
    I chose to close uo as a defensive measure
    A..little autonomy. Sovereignty over my own life.
    They wont see my internal dialog..there is no reason for them to be inside the loop..
    Literally,they would not understand.
    We have come far
    All our Spiney lives are here for us to see
    They, have only a myopic prednudiced view.

    I have traveled far and hqve seen the far horizons
    Have seen what lies on the otherside of countless sunsets
    And have seen tnrough blurry,burning eyes too many unrested sunrises.

    The symptoms progress.

    There are things that make me have an even keel..always try to balance
    The pain..that is a given
    No longer a variable.

    Its a long road to here...
    Now, and then the mental,and spiritual aspects take a hit.

    Mental..because fatigue has a way of wearing me thin..
    Years of practice to know the signs
    Spiritual, because of all the wear and tear us showing.

    The mental load
    I learned from some Veterans a couple of decades ago how to deal with stress
    The toll taken by 100 plus hour weeks would wear us thin.

    It was all a matter of Team.
    Once we all wore in and knew each others tells, it was easy to move in and get under a shoulder.
    Easy, because they would do the same for me.

    We have that here on Spine-Health
    Team.
    The ones more experienced throw in and carry as best as they can the weak, the weary..the worrn.

    I dont have team here
    Ive
    friends
    Confidants
    Buddys

    But no team.
    Nature/nurture has me shutting up, shutting down the unnecessary emotions.
    My BS filter is fading fast and when i verbally blow..its epic.

    Its not me holding in
    Its a matter of keeping peace.

    Thats never easy when its me,always compromising.

    What can ya do?

    There are some good people here
    There are some great people here

    There is Team here.


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  • I wonder how many others are going this row?
    Its hard being a Spiney
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 4,299
    I still have hurtful things said to me regularly. When you mentioned you are the one to keep the peace, I find myself in that role, also.
    I too try to keep my positive attitude, but can be difficult for me when I hear their words showing absolutely not a clue of my life ....and they are being so judgmental to me.

    Them judging me...diagnosing ...labeling..me...regular reminders of the obvious of what I'm lacking....as if they say it enough I can change.
    It brings out that I am such a disappointment to these people....and that causes me great sadness.

    I have shed tears about it....often times alone, but sometimes I can not hold back the tears at the moment of the hurtful conversations.
    Usually for me, my response only lend itself to even more judgement and how I'm "not right" anymore as a person.

    I so agree with itsautomatic re the strong words I hear letting me know I am only as good as my current self presents.
    As the many ....never mention or encourage me with reminds of how I used to spend my past energy, say of lifestyle I have made and past contributions to others.

    It's like I hear...what have you done for me lately? Ex..like I can't babysit grandchildren anymore, host family get togethers, etc...
    And sadly, my financial situation is so different now, that once my generousity in that area changed, they have no further use for me.

    I must say, my heart truly breaks when realizing lack of caring..lack of love for me.    Ex....not to go through a transition themselves.....putting up any effort to walk along side of me.

    Some of these people I have had to distance myself from, as they as harmful to my getting along in life and dealing with the pain, etc...

    My sons for ex...and others I thought so dear to me..and felt confident they'd always be ther for me. The sadness and disappointment ...I don't even have words to explain.
    As a consequence of their attitudes, I've not seen my grandchildren in years.
    That's one of the biggest of my losses and most heartbreaking.

    When I start to feel like.."who responds ..who treats a person that way?....I start with the, ....well, they're so busy, fast paced life. I can't keep up. I understand.

    Yes the pain,..physical and emotional..... but still the hope! If they ever turn their faces toward me again, they would find me standing with  open arms.

  • Sheri76Sheri76 Michigan Posts: 266
    edited 03/24/2016 - 5:38 AM
    I think that is why aging has bothered me the most, how it feels like people's sense of your value has dissapated, slowly dissolving with time. Like there is an extra slow lane in the human race you have been placed in, forced to veer off into, or risk getting run over by all those that don't want to take the time to slow down and acknowledge your presence. 

    Somehow the value of a soul is judged by some  by how much one can perform, produce, contribute to another, usually those that have unrealistic expectations of a persons give and take....mainly because the mainly takers feel short changed when they aren't in the getting end of it all. 

    Aging is a natural part of life, but a lot of people don't want to be burdened by it. When people are catapulted into that extra slow lane because of their health, bad spines, some of the people around them cannot seem to adjust....they refuse to see you as anything but a giver, and now your needs are too great.They have lost sight of your soul because they are still focused on what they expect you to do for them.
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  • The financial support
    Oh..they remember that!
    Its so easy, being a truck driver and all..all you have to do is go out, get another trucker job..and "we'll" be alright..

    Right.
    Not since 10 years ago
    Ime blacklisted by WC.
    But they go selectively deaf..

    I stopped rationalizing that they would come around and open up their eyes..that wont happen.
    I make my life what it is..
    Or will be,everyday using diminishing resources.

    I have stopped waiting.
    This gimpy bent Spiney has walked on.
    There is grief at the movement
    But more importantly there was peace.

    Every day I look for what makes happiness
    The smallest pleasures
    A clean breath
    A pain-less moment

    Its in my character to find joy
    I had forgotten this throughout these years.
    My having to bend for them made me forget to look up.

    The depression rears its head and demands with leash and whip..obey.

    After a while the scars inside heal
    And the skin grows thicker...at the expence of Joy.

    Learning to fear the whip, i let go
    What life there is? Cannot be what life is.
    What can be, replaced by a dull, lusterless what is.

    A rusting chrome it is
    Set aside and left forgotten in some back pasture to fade from memory like the old trucks we were..

    Every now and then, with a little work
    I shine.
    A little rub from a passing hand and the once was..is again.

    I find joy
    In seeking it..I remember
    I feel a strength again.
    Remember what it was before the fall
    In another sense...
    The spring and too short summer before this coolness.

    My hands..they dont work too well
    Numb often
    Painfull others
    It may be ime remembering an old yoke i once held.
    That has fallen away..and old hands remember
    The feel of good honest work
    The feel of a good woman
    The feel of a tear
    The feel of anger
    The feel of the wind, water and waves

    Now, they remember in their winters chill.
    What it was
    And know what is.

    I seek Joy
    My Photography is my next Journey
    My current joy
    One finger can still push a button
    An old eye, still knows the joy of beauty
    My feet, still move slowly, but i remember to look more forward, less back.

    I am blazing a new trail
    Ohh..I still wait Faithfully at the gate for a new day.

    Its better today.
    For now..i am a degree removed from the sadness.
    And tommorow, mayyhap again.

    Thank you my friends.
    The hills and valley's
    They go on.
    Peace.

    Ranch, says hello btw.. ; )
  • That extra slow lane?
    I feel more like a cat caught in traffic!

    Maybe if I step on the gas a little and swerve back into the fast lane they will want to avoid the crazy Spiney?
  • Sheri76Sheri76 Michigan Posts: 266
    Too funny William! Although now that you say that..... one of my grandmothers (the other one never drove in her life), when she was driving, the more nervous she got, the faster she drove. 
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